Reindeer Games
by dalekjast
Summary: In which a deviously helpful Loki performs his own brand of torture on the Avengers while waiting for an attack.


**Author's Notes:**

This is not meant to be a smut fic – that being said, there may be smutty situations due to the Avengers' personalities and/or Loki's meddling. There will be language & probably violence. Hence the rating. Could be too high, but I prefer to err on the side of caution. Don't like, don't read.

Tony & Pepper are together, Natasha & Clint are test-driving a relationship, Coulson is trying to explain LMDs to everyone & convince folks he's not a ghost, Steve is still trying to adjust to the 21st century (it's going badly), Bruce is trying to be as inconspicuous as possible, Thor is sulky, and Fury is being badass as usual; however, the Avengers are trying to keep him out of the loop. For now.

I envisioned this fic as an exercise in insanity. There's a plot in the first chapter (I apologize), after which I hope to recover my way and send all sanity to hell in a handbasket. I cycle through several points of view as Loki tortures the Avengers. I think the only person he doesn't go after is Pepper, because she scares him just a little.

Reviews make me post new chapters faster. Constructive criticism is welcome. Please tell me if you spot a spelling/grammar error. Bonus points if you pick out various references to other books/movies/games.

I've fudged the origins of Thanos & his plans, just because I didn't care to get into a dissertation on the Marvel-verse in the midst of a humor fic. Forgive me, and feel free to mentally substitute your own knowledge of Marvel mythology. This fic falls a few months after the Avengers movie.

I don't own anything in the Marvel-verse (sadly, not even Loki), nor do I get anything from this story other than personal amusement.

* * *

I don't really like writing in Thor's voice (I can never seem to get him quite right), so the first chapter will likely be the only one from his POV.

* * *

Thor studied the door in front of him and decided he would rather be anywhere else in the Nine Realms. Surely Jötunheim was nice this time of year. He had actually grown quite fond of his little group of mortals, but he had a feeling that nothing on this trip to Midgard would turn out right.

Peering from the corner of his eye, Thor stole a glance at the source of his troubles. In contrast to his own foul mood, Loki looked disturbingly cheerful.

"I am sure the Hulk is staying here," Thor commented. He'd hoped to worry Loki a little with this theory. Loki appeared supremely unconcerned.

"I am sure all the Avengers are here," he replied. "I rely, as ever, on my loving brother to protect me just as well as he always has."

Thor was still trying to parse this statement to determine if there was, in fact, an insult at the end of it when Stark's door was jerked open. Anthony nodded curtly to Thor and did his best to pretend Loki didn't exist.

"Jarvis tells me you've been standing out here for a half hour. You'd better come up. The whole gang's here, and I'd like to get rid of them sooner rather than later."

The elevator ride to Stark's penthouse was oppressively quiet. When the doors opened, all chatter ceased immediately as the rooms occupants studied the Asgardians with varying degrees of hostility.

Captain Rogers finally cleared his throat and stepped forward. "We received your message almost a week ago, Thor. I think we'd all appreciate an explanation. When you left Earth, you told us Loki would be facing justice back on your world."

"He did, for a time. But when Asgard came under attack, my brother was most helpful. Some things came to light. For that, and because of his abilities, the All-Father has decided that Loki should make amends by helping your people. Those who attacked us have turned their attentions to you – this realm will soon be in grave danger."

"Well just maybe we don't want his help," Agent Barton hissed. Thor wondered if the archer was even aware that his fingers were twitching in an unconscious imitation of drawing a bow. "You can just tell your All-Gullible-Idiot to stick that idea -"

"Clint!" Agent Romanoff cut sharply across his protests. She locked eyes with Barton for a moment, then turned back to Thor. "Helping is all well and good, but Loki's not exactly trustworthy. Besides, we beat his ass pretty badly, if you recall. What kind of help is he going to be?"

Dr. Banner snorted. "She's got a point. I'm not sure he'll be real helpful against this mystery threat, which, by the way, I'd like to know more about. Whatever it is, though, I doubt our resident punching bag is up to much fighting."

Thor hoped he was the only one to notice the sudden temperature change in the room, or at least the only one to connect the dots. He jabbed Loki in the ribs with his elbow, and the cold receded somewhat, but Thor saw Anthony frown as he tried to take a sip of his drink and noticed the film of ice across the top.

"Doctor Banner is right – this new threat has to be our first priority," Captain Rogers decided. "We can discuss … other things … later. Thor, what can you tell us?"

"When the Chitauri attacked your world, they were spurred on by Thanos. He is a Titan, a creature from the Elder Age, cast out of the Nine Realms eons ago and yearning for vengeance. The attack on Midgard was a feint – the real attack was against Asgard. While I was distracted here, Thanos was to have conquered Asgard and assumed control of the Nine Realms."

"Obviously he failed," Stark commented. "Do you have a green rage monster too?"

"No, we have a blonde rage monster with an oversized carpentry tool," Loki muttered.

Thor sighed. "Thanos had not expected my return. He also did not expect to encounter Loki when he finally arrived on Asgard. He will not be caught off guard like that again."

"Holy shit!" Agent Barton blurted out. "Get that thing away from him!"

Thor spun around to find Loki absently twisting the Tesseract in midair between his hands.

"Loki, put that away!" Thor snapped. Loki gave his brother a sour look before vanishing the cube. All the Avengers were now studying the god of mischief with deep concern. Thor broke the uneasy silence.

"Unfortunately, Loki seems to be the only one who can control the Tesseract. With his help, we were able to use it to drive Thanos away. Loki is a powerful magician, which is a requirement to wield the Tesseract."

"I don't like it," Agent Romanoff announced. "He's up to something."

"Gee, you mean besides trying to kill us all?" Barton retorted.

"Trying being the operative word," Banner drawled.

"He killed Phil." A red-headed woman Thor assumed to be Anthony's girlfriend had jumped into the conversation, glaring daggers at Loki.

"He killed Phil's LMD," Rogers pointed out.

"Same difference."

"He fucking mind-raped me!"

"Threw me out a window ..."

"Almost beheaded me …"

"... a really high window ..."

"Shot down our jet ..."

"... without my suit ..."

"Destroyed the Helicarrier ..."

"ENOUGH!" Thor roared. Loki had been remarkably docile during the conversation so far, but Thor could see a frightening gleam building in Loki's eye, and he didn't feel they should press their luck.

Everyone had gone silent at Thor's bellow, and before the noise could resume, Loki spoke up.

"Before you waste any more breath, let's take stock, shall we? You have shot me, hit me with a shield, shot me again, thrown me out of a plane, tossed me in a cage, shot me again, and again, hit me with a hammer, shot me once more for good measure, blown me off a speeder, and broken my spine, respectively. Under the circumstances, I've been shockingly nice."

After several seconds of stunned silence, Barton shook his head. "You're insane."

"Man has a point, actually," Stark offered.

"You're insane too."

Captain Rogers stepped in before the argument could heat back up. "As I see it, there's only one sensible thing to do here. We need to contact Director Fury and notify him of the potential threat. He can arrange for a suitable detention facility for Loki until we can hash out -"

"No," Stark said suddenly. "We can't tell Fury about this."

"Are you out of your mind, Mr. Stark? We have to tell the Director."

"Stark is right," Natasha said. Everybody turned to stare at her, momentarily diverted from the discussion.

"Jarvis!" Anthony called. "You'd better have been recording that! Might have been a once-in-a-lifetime moment!"

"Agent Romanoff ..."

"Sorry, Cap, but you know if Fury sees Loki he'll put him into deep freeze. Not that I personally have a problem with that, but what if Thor's right about these guys? What if we need an extra pair of hands? Magical hands?" Romanoff stared around the room. "We tell Fury about the threat, but not about Loki."

"You said you didn't like it!" Barton protested.

"I said I didn't like it, I never said it didn't make sense. We don't have to be stupid about him. Stark can whip up some kind of holding cell here."

"Hold on, I never volunteered to keep crazy gods around!" Stark protested. "It took me six months to renovate the last time he was here!"

"Loki will behave himself," Thor said firmly. "I will remain here to ensure he does no harm to any of you."

"And before you get any ideas, I am not spending the next six months chained up in your basement, Stark," Loki said. "I am willing to remain here with Thor, but if you try to lock me up, renovating will be the least of your worries."

"Do I need to get the Jolly Green Giant to teach you some manners?" Stark snarled.

"My brother was not brought here to be harmed!"

"Ok, let's all just calm down," Banner said. "I'll be here at the tower, as will Thor. Let's give Loki the run of the penthouse, with certain obvious exceptions. There's no reason to start this thing pissed off with each other. I can always rip him in half later if he becomes a problem." Banner gave Loki a sarcastic smile. Thor prepared to intervene, but Loki merely stared back at Banner and said nothing.

The other Avengers nodded cautious approval. Anthony looked to the red-head beside him. "Ms. Potts, will that suit?"

She sighed. "Why not? What's one more non-human under the roof?"

Thor breathed a tiny sigh of relief.


End file.
